4 Communication Issues in Your Relationship

Communication issues are one of the most common frustrations in our relationships. When we don't feel heard, it is hard to feel connected to our partner. In couples counseling, we spend lots of time working through communication breakdowns and building healthy coping skills in order to communicate better.

Here are 4 examples of Communication Breakdowns in relationships:

We make assumptions. We think we know what the other person means or the reason why they say what they say. Therefore, we leave the conversation without actually knowing what the other person thinks or means. When we are assuming, we are not actually listening.

We want our side to be right. When we engage in conversations/arguments with the need to be right, we are not actually participating in the conversation. The need for someone to be right and someone to be wrong creates separation in the relationship. It also reinforces comparison thinking and unhealthy power dynamics.

We focus on one word or one sentence. Focusing on one small piece of the whole conversation is usually a way to reinforce an idea or label we have for the other person. If we take pieces of the interaction out of context, we are rewriting the experience.

We stay in the conversation when we are activated. Emotional or physiological activation limit our ability to present process and problem solve. When we remain in a conversation when we are activated, we lose our ability to actually participate. Instead, we are reacting and deflecting - not very helpful skills when we are working through a hot topic.

When we are stuck in unhealthy communication cycles, it is hard to come together and do the work our relationships need. The conflict or argument is not always the issue. Sometimes how we navigate those interactions is the problem.

Here are some ideas for redirecting our Communication Breakdowns:

Establish the focus of the conversation. Do your best to limit bringing in other issues or other topics until the first point is addressed.

Talk about the sensations in your body and emotions you might be having. The art of expression has the power to diffuse felt stress and tension.

Use phrases like "I want to understand ..." and "what I heard you say ..." to help build a shared experience and get on the same page with your partner.

There are plenty of tips and tricks we can try with our partner without involving a couples counselor. Start out by having a proactive conversation with your partner about wanting to try to tools or skills, and talk about what those are.

If you do not feel comfortable exploring these ideas with your partner, having the help of a couples counselor can be a great way to improve communication and connection in your relationship!